addiction

before i bring up the title topic, lets get a quick recap of my day six because it's totally not boring.

technically, yesterday was a rest day.  jillian and i needed a break from one another.  she said so in her book so i skipped the gym and went for a crack'o dawn run with my neighbor/friend/running buddy.  my legs were sad for the first couple of miles but after that, they were happy-ish which made me happy.

i ate well but, this 30 day plan is supposed to consist of a strict 40/30/30 carb/protein/fat ratio every single day and as you can see below, from yesterday's summary, carbs were too high, protein was too low and not listed is sodium which, was more than would "make the cut."

Food Summary
Meal	Calories	Fat	Carbs	Protein
Breakfast	592	5.1g	117.5g	27.8g
Lunch	501	18.7g	30.9g	52.1g
Snack #2	441	29.5g	36.0g	12.3g
Dinner	587	17.5g	71.3g	39.5g
Total Percentage of Calories 1	2121	70.8g 29%	255.7g 47%	131.7g 24%

breakfast has been the same thing over and over and i'm quite enjoying it which surprises me because i really love my wheat bagel with almond butter and fruit with soy milk breakfast that i've had for the last, uh, forever.  

right now, i'm sticking with the all bran, a bit of banana, blueberries, scrambled egg whites and salsa.  until i get sick of it. 

for lunch, leftovers.  let's call it a taco salad. 

for dinner, sweet and sour meatballs with short grain brown rice and asparagus.  i didn't add the sauce to my meatballs until after they were cooked so i could measure.  this is one of those meals that my little family gobbles up.  a "lighter" version of the meatballs my sweet mom made for my brothers and i when we were growing up . we love our meatballs.  snicker.

so that was yesterday.  day six.  

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now: addiction.

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the other day i was having a conversation with a woman in my life who i admire and love a great deal.  

earlier in the week, she had paid a visit to someone at the prison and now she was filling me in on some of what life must be like for this person.  this person who is a recovering alcoholic.  first, this person was a willingly recovering alcoholic who eventually had a relapse, made poor choices and now, this person is a forced recovering alcoholic.

she said to me, "for the first time in my life, i feel like i can actually relate, in some small way to what he must be going through."  she goes on to explain how her (very normal) addiction to food/sugar is much the same as his addiction to alcohol.  

she made the point of asking me if i could imagine what it must be like to be told that no matter how bad i want something, no matter how much i think i need it, i absolutely cannot have that thing.  i said i could barely imagine. because when we're told we can't have something, we want it that much more.  

during our conversation we talked about our own addictions and how when, we're most focused on indulging moderately,  we become even more obsessed with whatever it is we're trying to avoid.

my addiction is sugar.  (and the internet).  i use the word addiction because it is.  i love, love, love sugar.  not so much candy but, cakes, cookies, muffins, chocolate, ice cream, you name it.  i love it and when i have it, i want more of it and then moderation becomes a huge struggle.  i suck at moderately consuming sugar because i don't think a person can be moderately addicted to something.

luckily, for me, there are far worse things to be addicted to but even still, it's a daily battle for me to decipher want vs. need and somedays, i lose the battle. 

my point (i think) is that i know that giving up foods we think we love is dang hard.  the motivation and desire to do so has to be a lot stronger than the pull of that food.  we have to search for, and recognize the true desires of our hearts.  

what is more important?  i have to ask myself this every day.  every day i have to search for the will to fight and not eat an entire batch of cookie dough. eating an entire batch of cookie dough would provide me with an immediate high but the fall from that high is a long, long way down and i'm telling you (me), the ground below is hard as hell.  

sometimes, i lose the fight.  sometimes, i even choose to forfeit.  the pull of the delicious dough is that strong and i'm human, after all.  the moment of truth happens when i hit the ground.  do i stay lying or do i stand up, brush myself off and keep going?

what are you addicted to? (don't tell me if it's illegal)

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